"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade"... - Kate Winslet
Awhile back I was looking through my homepage and while browsing through some of my old friends when I saw a picture of HIM again. I had expected to be excited or even happy but I wasn't. I was the complete opposite. I sat there, wondering why I didn't react the way I did. Maybe because I finally felt like I didn't need the "closure" I was searching for anymore.
I remembered back then, crying myself to sleep all those nights after realizing "we" were over asking myself how "this" happened when I didn't do anything else other than put all my blood, sweat, and my whole heart into this - this toxic, addictive thing we considered as a relationship and how much I missed him. We had promised that "together forever" stuff. There was no one out there for him BUT me. We were going to have kids, we had the names picked out, & what color their rooms were going to be. Where exactly did this relationship go wrong? What did I do to push him away? Thinking that maybe if I saw him again, I could've, would've done everything in my power to ask why & and to try to convince him & myself that we've both made a mistake. That maybe I needed him even as a friend because I wasn't going to give up what I had in front of me.
Flash forward back to me sitting in front of my laptop, I take a deep breath and a sigh of relief.
1. Because his well-being was important to me && 2. Just thinking about him, about us doesn't hurt anymore & that was closure in itself.
Somewhere along the lines of him breaking my heart and now, everything that once meant so much to me, about us faded away and the memories, the moments that I now share with the ones closest to me had replaced it. I forgot what it felt like to think about him, talk to him, love him and everything else in between. I'm not saying I hate him nor am I mad at him for anything. I'd probably thank him for being one of those people who believed in me, who was there for me and kept me happy throughout the 4 years of my high school years. We were both young, stupid, naive and we probably didn't even know what real love meant. If I met him now, there would be NOTHING that we have in common. I listen to Jay-Z, watch wrestling on a weekly basis, and I'm absolutely in love wih my dog while he's probably still the complete opposite. One those guys I'd walk by and think absolutely nothing of. What we shared was what I thought was "love" at the time. Like an old forgotten hobby, he's someone, something I grew up and grew out of. I look back on it today and I'd classified it as "puppy love, high school teenybopper love". Because I believe now that if the "love" between us was real, he'd be sitting here beside me or sitting outside and playing with our kids. Whatever there was between us or whatever was left of it was gone that day I left high school.
Though little did I know at the time that I was going to have the future I've always dreamed of, little did I know that I was going to endure a love that's only found in storybooks, a prince charming who was going to pick up those pieces and mend my broken heart back together. It was the growing old, holding hands while walking around the park together and where the word "divorce" doesn't exist because the word "forever" does. Little did I know that just a year after I graduated and walked that podium and into the adult world, I met the man who gave me my "happily ever after". =]
